To be or Not to be..

I was recently listening to a podcast that addressed the question "Should I stay or should I go?" Avid listeners had written to the podcast show narrating their dilemmas. One listener in particular stood out to me because she felt trapped in her marital relationship. She explained that her partner was a lovely man who loved and honored her but, over the course of several years, she felt this incessant need to leave him and the relationship all together. To be exact, her question to the host was "is the desire to leave my relationship enough?" From a logical standpoint, it is easy to end something when there are clear offenses. In the listener's case, her husband's offense was abstract. Her discontentment was like flesh-eating bacteria gnawing away at her love and all that remained was decaying bone. Unfortunately, the bone of bitterness was toward no one but herself.

In response to her question, the host validated her desires. She explained that sometimes all we can offer as a reason for the end of something is the desire to end it. This response begged the questions: what about perseverance? What about sacrifice? When you say you love someone, is it not expected that the journey of that love shall experience high and low moments? Doesn't the presence of uncertainty remain a certain factor when it comes to dealing with another human?

The host used her story to answer the listener's dilemma. Years ago, she also left her marriage due to this same feeling of unfulfillment. According to her, in her first marriage, she always felt that something was lacking and because that was not grounds enough for a divorce, she committed adultery.

What have been some reasons as to why you have ended past relationships? When did you know that the end chapter to your story was nearing? How did you end the relationship? Did you feel justified?

A particular break up comes to mind in my case. The relationship lasted 2 days - to be exact, it lasted about 36 hours. Prior to the end of this short-lived romance, I had expressed some clear boundaries. The consequence of violating these boundaries would be a break up. Needleless to say, 36 hours later he violated my boundaries and in turn I ended the relationship because- one thing is for certain and two things are for sure- I meant it when I said it.

I know what you are thinking - what about a grace period? Sure, there are times and situations that call for a grace period but I have come to understand that unless I am a participant of the relationship, I have little to no room to dictate the reason one chooses to leave. There is no exact yardstick to measure the threshold since it varies from person to person and from one situation to the next.

The finality of something can be very painful and it takes boldness to cut the silver cord that binds two hearts. One thing we can all agree upon is that all things come to an end-some sooner than others. Some things will have a dramatic end whereas others will be agreeable. Either way, when you muster up the courage to end things, I hope that you will be at peace with your decision.

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-Kalunde