L.O.L #1

This is the first part to a two-part series I call " Lessons On Love" (L.O.L). If you are not new to this blog, you probably know that I am a huge fan of love. It is a beautiful thing to love and to be loved. However, not all experiences of love have a happy ending and because until this point mine have ended in a breakup, I thought it is only right that I share some of the lessons I have learned on love.

Lesson 1: Go where you are wanted.

I honestly think this applies to life in general. When I was in my early high school years, I met a boy via Facebook. We quickly built a friendship that was cultivated over chat messages. Our phone-enabled camaraderie evolved into skype calls and eventually into a fully-budding unrequited romance. I say unrequited because only one of us wanted to see it through. Although we had expressed mutual interest, my pen pal was never too sure if he wanted to pursue something exclusive with me. Some days, he would convince himself he was ready only to rescind his decision a few hours later. He and I hold the record of the shortest relationship ever - 12 hours. This routine back and forth left me wondering if I could ever be enough for him or anyone ever. At that point, I did not know that a person that wants you will not leave you guessing. The saying goes: "if they like you, you will know, if they do not you will be confused." Do not spend your time in romantic delusions about a person, male or female, who leaves you in a perpetual state of confusion. Oh, the wasted time I could have spent being loved!! Go where you are wanted.

Lesson 2: Just because they are good people does not mean they are good for you.

This is tricky. We are trained to look for good men and women. However, it was shocking to me when I realized that just because a man is good, does not mean he and I are compatible for romance and love. Not every good person is meant to be your partner. Some are meant to be your friend. Their goodness is an indicator of their character. Separate their goodness from your desire for companionship. One too many good men/women have been ruined because someone prematurely engaged them in a romantic entanglement they were never meant to be in. Goodness is great when paired with compatibility and it is a sweet and strong cocktail.

Lesson 3: Friends with benefits (F.W.B) is a scam.

In today's society where sexuality and sensuality are in everything, you can be deluded into thinking that having a F.W.B is a good idea. I fell head over heels for a man that was only interested in the benefits portion of our situationship. Someone is bound to get hurt in a FWB arrangement and most people enter into this partnership with people they find attractive. This is usually the case because, already, there is an affinity for that person. With intimacy comes vulnerability and this is what trips most people. The allure of an easy going non-committal relationship is what most of us look for when in search for a F.W.B partnership. However, take it from me, where intimacy is involved, attachment brews. When that attachment is not reciprocated, there comes resentment and disappointment. Like Solomon said in Proverbs 5:15-17,

15"Drink water from your own cistern, water flowing from your own well.

16 Should your springs flow in the streets,streams in the public squares?

17 They should be for you alone and not for you to share with strangers.

Lesson 4: Learn your partner's love style.

One of the mistakes we make while in relationships is loving our partners the way we want to be loved. This is a bad idea. You are who you are, and they are who they are. Individuality is a beautiful thing. Take the time to learn how your partner receives love. What actions and words convey "I love you" to them? In one particular relationship my partner needed constant reassurance about my feelings for him. It took a while before I understood he received love in that way. Some of us realize a bit late what it takes to make our partners feel loved. This knowledge requires participation from both parties-one, the one in need of love must communicate and you doing the loving must implement what they like.

Lesson 5: Love is not as complicated as we think it is.

Loving someone is something we innately know how to do because the one that made us is the essence of love and we are made in His image. However, there are so many far-fetched opinions on what love is "supposed" to look like. My lover says, "vitu kwa ground ni tofauti", which is a sheng phrase that loosely translates to "expectations do not always become reality". Have your values, know where you are going and be available. Love will find you. It will embrace you and since you are available, you will embrace it. One of the reasons I envy some of the older generation is because they were very uncomplicated when it came to the issue of love. They approached it with an open mind and hence experienced it with a special simplicity.

PS: Well, that is it for today. There are a few other lessons in store for your entertainment. Be sure to subscribe to the mailing list so you do not miss a post! Until next time,

Kalunde